A small home appliances firm

An overheard conversation in an Italian restaurant in Suzhou. Two men were having some kind of business dinner and had apparently only met very recently. Both ordered mushroom ravioli with a cream sauce, an Italian appetizer sharing dish and one bottle of wine. Dinner eaten and a bottle of wine down, they order more wine and start to talk louder.

"Do you want to see a picture of my wife holding some dildos?"

"Ummmmmmmmm..."

"Look. There she is. She was on the phone to her mum at the time. Her mum doesn't know. There are dildos all over the house now. My parents don't know either."

"What do they think?"

"We say she's in the entertainment industry and works for a small home appliances firm. Her mother would die if she knew she was a dildo engineer."

The Curse of Buying Tickets in China Continues...

I can't book tickets or hotels for Tibet in April now. No. That's not possible.

In Shanghai, I tried to book train tickets from Suzhou to Shanghai next Saturday. I went to the automatic ticket machine. Typed in the date, the time, departure station, arrival station. There were no seats available on the selected train. Back to home screen. Re-select train. Select number of tickets. Re-type all previous typed information. Message flashes: 'go to Suzhou station. You must buy tickets in Suzhou station.' But I'm in Shanghai? That's not possible.

I want to go to the cinema on Friday night. Today I went there to try and buy a ticket.

"Hi. Can I book tickets to see Avatar on Friday night please?"

"What day?"

"Friday."

"Afternoon or evening?"

"Evening."

"Imax or normal 3D?"

"Imax"

"What film?"

"Avatar."

"You can't book tickets for that film until Friday morning."

"What about normal 3D? Can I book tickets for that now?"

"No. Not until Tuesday."

"So if I come in on Tuesday or Friday evening to book tickets, there will be some available?"

"No. Probably not. Probably too busy."

"So how can I get tickets?"

"Come on Wednesday night."

"But... you just said...?"

I had to walk away, my teeth grinding slightly and my nails digging into my palms.

So that's official: it's not possible to buy plane tickets, cinema tickets, train tickets or reserve a hotel except on a randomly selected day that you will not know about until you have already wasted time, effort and energy on going to the ticket vendor. Not possible.

Just accept it.

Impossible Banking

At school, along with some students I have raised some money for a charity. Tonight I am wondering why I bothered. The money continues to sit in an envelope in my house.

I have been to four banks. FOUR banks. NONE of them have been able to transfer the money to the charity. It has taken me the best part of two months to get to where I am now, which is nowhere.

I checked before I went to the bank what I needed to bring to complete a transfer: money and the bank account of the charity. Simple.

Bank number one: "we don't transfer cash. No cash can be transferred."

Bank number two: "yes we can transfer cash but we need your passport." I don't have my passport. You didn't tell me I needed to bring my passport.

Bank number three: "this bank doesn't do anything." Huh? What? Why are you here? Why are you calling yourself a BANK? What is the point of your existence? "All of our other branches transfer money, not us."

Bank number four: I arrive with my passport, at a branch recommended especially because it CAN transfer money. Here is my conversation:

Me: Hi. Can I transfer some money please?

Teller: No.

Me: I was told I could transfer money here.

(Teller shouts in Chinese at someone else. He waves me in her direction.)

Me: Hi. Can I transfer money please?

Teller 2: Yes.

Me: Here it is. Here are the details.

Teller 2: But you can't transfer money today. We don't do foreign transfers after 3pm.

Me: It's not a foreign transfer. It's to Shanghai. One hour away.

Teller 2: Oh, ok... No. You can't transfer any money after 3.

Me: I have a job. I can never be here before 3. Can you keep the money in a safe, I'll fill out the documents and you can do it tomorrow?

Teller 2: Ok... no. We can't keep money.

Me: You're a bank. You must have somewhere to keep money.

Teller 2: No, nowhere to keep money.

Me: Can I put the money in my account, then call you tomorrow to transfer it?

Teller 2: You can put the money in your account, but you need to be here in person before 3 to transfer it.

Me: I can never, NEVER be here before 3. I have a job.

Teller 2: Do you have friends?

Me: I have friends with jobs who can never be here before 3. Are you open on a Saturday?

Teller 2: Yes.

Me: Great. I'll come on Saturday.

Teller 2: You can't transfer money on a Saturday.

Me: So what you're telling me is that you're a bank that can NEVER, NEVER, transfer money for me. I can never send this money to a charity. You cannot keep my money anywhere - even though you are a bank. You cannot put my money in my account and allow me to transfer it by phone even though I am a customer of your bank. There is NO TIME and NO WAY I can EVER transfer this money?

Teller 2: Yes.

CHRIST!

2010

2010 has arrived. Here is the start:

Alan and I began the new year in George Square, Glasgow. Deacon Blue, hands that were blue with the cold.

Snow all over Scotland.

We made it to the airport to fly back to Suzhou and as we waited for the plane the snow intensified.

Suzhou now seems like a tropical paradise in comparison to Scotland and Suzhou is FREEZING. We have discovered that to ever be warm in our apartment we need to keep the heating running ALL THE TIME. When I say heating, I mean air conditioning. ALL THE TIME. We are accelerating global warming at an alarming rate with our ridiculous air conditioning usage.

First week at school flew by.

Birthday party last night. Dancing, singing, tequila.

Today chilled out. Bonded with some Chinese waiters over a ridiculously rude customer from Australia. One waitress was very upset. Her name was Air. She said "Air. Fresh Air is my name."

Strange Suzhou Spring?

Last week it was bitterly cold. Rainy. Icy. There was even a slight spattering of snow one day. It truly seemed that we were at the start of a long winter.

Today I woke up bundled on my 6 layers of clothes. Hat. Scarf. Thermals. I braced myself for the chill of the outside. Stepped out with trepidation. And it was spring. Blue skies, warm air, people cycling on their bikes. Surreal. In each shop I went to I had to remove a layer of clothes as it was just too damn hot.

Global warming anyone?